Struggles

I'm struggling today. I thought I was and have been past this part. The addiction is there but it's not the habit that's lurking. Maybe the addiction is the habit. 

Day 10

Today shall continue to be non issue non smoking. I think about it, but sparingly. The idea passes no sooner than it begins. I don't smoke. Seems uppity but I think it's true. The thought of beginning to smoke again scares me. I do not feel is pull it off as gracefully and elegantly as I believed I had before. If I truly had before. Whether or not I was debilitated internally by effects of smoking is yet to be clear. I guess I'll find out in the later years. Or sooner. However the hand lies. Hindsight, It was to prevent deteriorating health that I decided to quit. It began as a suggestion or a challenge. I've battled my own will and have triumphed this far. Now I can't remember why I'd ever started. Hopefully this will be the end. 

Me vs Will

I feel like I'm waiting to smoke. Like it's not a matter of if, but when. I'm not afraid of failure, judgment or anything else. I don't know what's keeping me afloat. Will? I want to be strong. Strength is my ultimate goal. I want to win the mental battle. Physical differences aren't entirely clear but it's only been 4 days. If I can consciously, subconsciously and unconsciously control my own mind, I win. So far I am winning. And it's with little effort. I just wonder how long before I'm at the mercy of my own mind. Let the battle begin. 

Specifics

I've made it a very specific point to go about my daily as normally as possible. I will not avoid areas, people, activities that I associate with smoking. I believe the point is to continue doing all of the same things but without smoking. Face every scenario head on. So far it's been easier than I thought. So far! I have the option to smoke. I could easily do it. I make a very conscious effort not to. I've enjoyed coffee every morning minus the accompanying cigarette. I've sat with hubby as he smokes because I'd much rather be near him than isolate myself from him because he's smoking. I think I've encountered every trigger possible this last 3 days and have overcome each. I hope it stays that way. I really do. 

No Love Lost

Okay, think I'm over the sappy cigarette love letters. I'll embark on day four tomorrow. It's going well honestly. The anxiety I faced leading up to my quit day far surpassed any of the feelings I've encountered this far. I'm not sure if it's due to the fact I'm being fed nicotine through artificial means or not. Yes, I'm using the patch in case I failed to mention it. 

I think I've faced and conquered pretty much every scenario I can think of. It was important to me to take them head on and overcome without incident. Done. I'll get into specifics tomorrow. Today, finished. I feel good about this decision and hope I continue to fare well. 

I know you

I know you, cigarettes. I know those teeny serrated marks at the halfway point on your filter. I know the way that same filter turns from white to yellow/brown depending upon the type mood you're catering to. I know the flick measurement to avoid an uneven burn or unintended ash near missing the tray. Though, sometimes I smoked absentmindedly. No, almost always. As natural as breathing was supposed to be i enhanced it with substance. Used, abused, fused. When I had great joy, I smoked. When I had great anger, I smoked more. No matter the emotion, down to none at all, I smoked. It wasn't an accessory it was a permanent attachment. A part of me. Now, it isn't. 

I'm missing you!

Hey, Love.

Despite your being a heartless, relentless bitch, I miss you. I miss the way you surround me. Encircle me with your scent. Your enticing, warm habit of relaxing me. I embraced you when nothing else could calm me. Baby, you're the best. I do miss you but I'm glad you're gone. 

Spidey Senses

I've been smoke free for 2 hrs and 28 minutes. I'm not a fan of the counting. Makes it feel prison like. I've probably bypassed one of those breathe easier type achievement. Funny thing is I'm not sure my brain is aware of the fact I'm trying to quit. I Forced the patch on right out of bed. Determined not to smoke the entire pack of cigarettes I had left. 've gone about my daily as usual minus the cigarettes. I'll continue drinking coffee on my porch because that's my spot. I did, however, forego the butt-hut at my husband's work. I think it would be a wonderful test but also a terrible joke. Now, if you want to obtain a level of self/world awareness like no other, try to quit smoking. I was so obsessed with what changes my mind would go through I thought I'd become scatterbrained (which I still could). Instead I'm paying very close attention to every detail. Look at that lady smoking one hundred yds away. Look, 4 cigarette butts lining the driveway. What is that little mark on my leg? Anyway, so far so good. Well aware that this is the very beginning and any negative effects are minimal. Lots of deep breaths and silent cusses. Getting sad. Goodbye, my love.